Now, I know that I like to have fun and joke around a lot on my blog. I think that's the way I deal with life and stress - by joking and making life fun. But there is something that I want to share with all of my readers (I know it's not that many) that is something that makes me very nervous just typing this because it's not something that is easy for me to talk about. But, I think it is important for me to let you know something that I have struggled with because it is such a big problem facing our society.
I don't know if any of you watched the Oprah show on Tuesday or Wednesday (I can't remember which day it was) with Kirk Franklin. He is a gospel singer that has really made gospel music mainstream. He was on the show to talk about his addiction to porn. Some of you might know, but most of you probably don't that I have struggled with the same thing in my life for a number of years. It is not something that I am proud of, and it is embarrassing for me to talk about. However, it shouldn't be embarrassing, because it's something that 40 million people in the US alone struggle with. 85-90% of these people are recreational users, and the rest are addicts. That's staggering!
Looking at pornography is something I have struggled with since my late teen years. And I don't think it's as uncommon as we would like to think it is in the LDS (Mormon) community. We can think of about half of our friends who are or were at one point engaged in porn addictions to some extent or another. Some still struggle with it.
For me, I had tried to break the cycle before by going to the proper church authorities, and felt like I had beaten the addiction (and the associated addiction that comes with most porn addictions), but a few years later, I would relapse and that would send me into a tailspin. I firmly believe this is because I didn't have the proper support in place. I was ashamed, so I hid it from my family, from mission companions, from friends, and eventually even from Devynn. However, for the past year and a half or so, it had been really eating at me that I had this addiction and that there was nothing I could seemingly do about it. I was ready to be clean, but was so freaking scared to tell Devynn. I wasn't sure she could be with someone that had screwed up so bad and betrayed her trust. I was trying to think of ways to let her know, and trying to find a time when it was the "right" time. There never really is a right time, I learned. Earlier is best, but I didn't realize that until it was too late, and by that time I was so deep into the addiction that I wasn't sure what to do.
However, in May of this year, she found that I had been looking at a questionable site on the internet. It wasn't even a porn site, "just" a Maxim-esque site (bikinis, scantily clad, but no nudity). When she confronted me, it was while I was at work. She sent me a text message saying that we needed to talk about it. She had no idea that I was looking at porn.
So, I had all night at work to think about what I was going to do. I had two choices: I could either lie and say that I just looked at it and it was really stupid, yadda, yadda, and it would have passed easily. But I decided that it was time I come clean. I told her that I had an addiction and that I needed to get help. She, of course, was devastated. We went to our bishop that night and started the process of getting me clean. He recommended a counsellor to us who was amazing. She didn't take any crap, but helped me to realize what I needed to do to avoid even the appearance of porn, so that I could get rid of it in my life.
To make a long story short, I have gotten the help I need. I know that it isn't easy to give this addiction up, and I am still ashamed to talk about it, but I think that it is something that needs to be addressed in the public, not just within our little religious community. I think that we need to make a stand and do what we can to first rid this from our own lives, and then to try and get rid of it in our communities.
I am proud to say that I have been clean since May. I have not looked at porn since then, and I am going strond. I have tried to make Devynn proud of me again and earn her trust again. It hasn't been easy, but I know that I can do it. I know I can this time because I was ready and I now have the support of her.
I have a really good friend who is battling this very demon right now. He is having a hard time because I don't think he is ready to give his addiction up. I think that it isn't something you can force someone to give up; it has to be a decision made by the addict himself or herself. That is the only way to be successful.
I just want to thank you for listening to me. I know that some of you may judge me differently knowing this, but let me just let you know that I have changed. I am constantly on guard to make sure that I don't fall into the trap again. Please look into your own lives to make sure that this filth is removed. Make sure you take the proper precautions to help your spouse, kids, parents, etc.
